Faith Not to Return
Returning home early from a mission is never easy for several reasons. When I struggled with different illnesses on my mission I read different stories and articles about others that had returned early. I found that all of them had such a different circumstance that it was hard for me to relate to most of their story. For this reason I have decided to share a little about my story to hopefully help others.
On the Mission:
I left on March 1, 2018 to serve my mission on the Island of Jamaica. I couldn't have been more excited and more nervous. My mission was amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love the people I met, I laughed and smiled and survived just like any other missionary.
Unfortunately ( I thought), God had other plans for me. The hard part was that I didn't break any bones, I didn't faint randomly while walking, and I wasn't in a near death experience (besides the intense allergic reaction I had to a unique fruit). This made my experience a bit harder. Was I really supposed to go home?
Three months into my mission (like it is for many missionaries) I had a really hard time coping with anxiety and other feelings. On top of that I was visiting doctors on almost a weekly basis because of some chest/stomach pains I had. Every doctor had other suggestions. Every test came back with no results.
Fortunately, I was able to make it past that tough 3 month mark. I was happier, coping better with anxiety, and I loved Jamaica. However, the illnesses weren't improving much.
Deciding to Return Home:
Could I have stayed in Jamaica and dealt with the pains? Well, maybe... Like I said, I wasn't dying or had broken anything. The decision was not an easy one. I honestly don't remember making the decision.
The doctors said that there were a few other tests to try, but that they would be much better performed back in America. So... I guess the decision was made. I was told that I could go back if things go better, but in my head I felt like it would be so hard to go back... (I'm human right?)
Late one night we got a phone call from my dear mission Presidents wife saying that I had a flight leaving the next morning. I had to pack my things so quickly I almost didn't have time to think about it. But that was okay because my flight ended up being delayed 24 hours due to the hurricanes haha ;)
Dealing with Being home:
One of the hardest things about returning home early is the judgment. I feel that this has gotten a lot better though and I chose to not let it bother me too much.
It was tough constantly being asked "Are you going to go back?" and not knowing what to reply.
It was tough to never figure out what was causing me pain.
It was tough to adjust and figure out what to do next.
But when I agreed to come to Earth I didn't expect to avoid the toughness that came.
9 Months Later:
Now, I've been home for almost 10 months. There have been times when something has reminded me of my mission and I have let it make me feel guilty. Over time I have realized that God isn't sending these reminders to bring guilt or make me think I should've returned, but to remind me of that amazing experience I had serving his children.
A few days ago I went to the temple to seek some guidance on a decision about my education. I was struggling to find answers. My best friend (who a few months later became my fiance) offered to give me a blessing before I went. I don't remember much of the blessing, but I remember specifically the words "Your Father in Heaven is very proud of the things you have done. Including your mission... and having the faith to not return."
I quickly remembered the remarks of Elder Hallstrom (I guess it may have originally been Elder Bednar?) in a recent conference, "Do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?"
I couldn't stop the tears as they welled up in my eyes. I didn't receive an answer about what I thought I was seeking, but after 9 months I finally had that confirmation and peace that I didn't even know I needed. God is the best.
To those of you who are struggling from returning home early I want you to know that God loves you and couldn't be more proud of you for serving. Some of us just happen to finish our missions in less time than others. Fear not... God knows what you need even if you don't, and that's where our faith cannot waiver.
Please feel free to comment or contact me if you have any questions or need anything! I love you.
Other resources for you:
6 Lies early returned missionaries tell themselves (Love this article)
Home Early, Now What? (Great book for adjusting)
Early Homecoming (Another great book for not just you, but family and leaders)
